Chapter Three - Oooh, What a Carry On
You know what it's like - one minute you're standing in the remains of a pub in South London, next minute you've got to make your way to Kings Cross to catch a train to someplace called Bogwarts…Great!!!
After traversing the wonders that is the Underground system, our embattled crowd gathered in the ticket office of Kings Cross railway station situated, for those who aren't familiar with London Village, in a place called Kings Cross.
Anyways, the numbers of the Karaoke Posse had swelled by the addition of the aptly named "Suttonites" - probably because they came from a place called Sutton.
This is even further south than London Village.
"Can I have eighteen tickets to Bogwarts Central mate?" Madam Karaoketart had managed to force her way to the front of the queue.
"Bogwarts? Are you 'aving a larf?" came the eloquent response from the Customer Liaison and Services Assistant Manager behind the desk "you been readin' that 'arry potter aintcha? It aint real y'know 'spose you'll be wantin' directions to platform nine and free quar'ers hahaha…ha…"
"Funnily enough no, but if you know the way to platform nine and a smidgeon then that would help us and I think you'll find that it's Hogwarts in 'arry potter - we my friend, are going to Bogwarts and you will be selling us some tickets…ca va?" came the swift and quick reply from Madam Karaoketart.
"Sorry about this, there's obviously a little training issue here, I'll take over from here Malcolm - I understand you wish to make your way to Bogwarts?" Tony Maloney ('cos it says so on his badge) GNER Customer Liaison and Services Manager had come to the fore "How many of you are there?"
"Eighteen including me" replied Madam Karaoketart.
"Nineteen!!! Puff pant it's nineteen now, I've just run from Sutton!!! Can I come?" Connie had arrived to offer her support to the tribe "does anyone need some spunk for the journey?"
"'ere I don't think we can allow that on our train luv"
"That will be all Malcolm - our special customers here are entitled to indulge in anything they choose, it is not our place or our duty to censor or restrict the customs of our more…privileged guests…who will be upgraded to First Class for no extra cost."
Hmmm, to some it would appear that we had managed to fall down the stairs and land on our feet - here was a person behind the desk who was genuinely keen for us to travel to Bogwarts and thwart the as yet unknown aspirations of "He Who Should Not Be Ashamed"…and help Roy too come to that…and was a dead ringer for that Tim Curry bloke…in Scary Movie 2…
Not being one for this conspiracy theory stuff, I figured that actually this person who was seemingly so keen to allow us on the train to Bogwarts - a place not actually on the timetable (go on, go check it out www.gner.co.uk) - and upgrade us to first class for no extra cost, was maybe not entirely kosha…maybe…
Anyways, thanks to the wonders of credit cards and stuff, Madam Karaoketart bought the tickets and we made our way to platform nine and a smidgeon
Some of the crowd tried running into the supporting column things on said platform to much amusement from the rest until it was pointed out that because of the redevelopment work being carried out at the station, platform nine was a smidgeon away from where it used to be…
And on the train we sat
and sat
and sat a little more
Trains are great aren't they - big huge machines filled with lots of machinery and stuff, and big wheels, and on the ones at Kings Cross they have this thing on top that makes that eeery electrical noise like you hear on Star Wars when they get the lightsabers out…you know, that jjjjjsssssssssssummmmm noise…
or is it just me imagining it?
But, it just takes a little leaf, a little tiny seemingly insignificant leaf that can bring them to a standstill - a bit like elephants and mice - but for this reason (the leaf not a mouse, or elephant) our train to Bogwarts was sitting just outside Hadley Wood station mere miles from London Village and the buffet bar was closed because of staff shortages.
"Let's sing a song - a song for Roy" called out Chow.
"How about a song for Joy?" called out Joy.
"Sod that, how about singing "The wheels on the train go round and round" 'cos this one ain't shifting - 'ere 'ang about" Mandy B was getting a little impatient.
The train suddenly lurched forwards, and we were on our way once again - and as if by magic, the buffet and trolley services sprang to life, and someone noticed that when you go through Hitchin, the windows shake in a funny way.
After what seemed like hours, and indeed it was a fair old time, the train pulled into Bogwarts Central and our travel weary crowd disembarked the train onto the platform.
"Where's Hagrid?" called a voice from the back.
"You want the next train sonny, this is Bogwarts not Hogwarts, and I think that owl of yours needs feeding" replied krissywissy helpfully.
"Aloe Vera" exclaimed Chow
"I think you mean Aloe Amora" replied a young girl.
"No, I need Aloe Vera for my hair, talking of which have you tried straightening yours, it looks such a mess, and shouldn't you be on the train to Hogwarts too?" came the retort from Chow.
"Look, can we get on our way to Bogwarts, Roy is in danger, serious danger, and faffing around talking about hair, owls, and stuff is not helping the situation and the bar closes in half an hour" called out Muvver Cockney.
"Ok, onwards we go does anyone one know where we can find a cab in these parts?" YoungLochinvar had moved to the front of the crowd.
Fortunately, there was a taxi rank just outside the station, and as if it were scripted in like one of those fifties British movies, there was a whole line of taxis waiting.
Twenty five minutes later, we arrived at the reception of Bogwarts - "Right! We need to see the headmaster Rumblefloor right away - it is of utmost importance, we have travelled all the way from London Village, by train no less, we are hungry, thirsty and tired, and we really really can do without anymore hassles tonight" said Madam Karaoketart to the girl behind the desk.
"Oooh, what a carry on! But I'm afraid that you'll have to wait until the morning, Professor Rumblefloor is away on urgent business tonight - he's judging a karaoke competition in Bogsmeade - it's a village about three miles away…" replied the girl behind the desk.
Smash!!!! Crack!!!! Boom!!!!
"What was that?" exclaimed everyone in the reception area, including the girl behind the desk.
A large statue of a small oriental person holding a microphone had suddenly fallen to the floor.
"I don't know, but I have a feeling that Bogwarts is no longer safe" called out the girl behind the desk, who was no longer behind her desk, and was now running down the corridor.
"She's right you know, we need to find Professor Rumblefloor wherever he is in Bogsmeade and warn him" shouted Madam Karaoketart"
"Isn't this how the last episode finished?" called out Timbo
"Yes, but it's the 30th of November, and Joy wants this in pretty soon, so I haven't got time to think of something different" replied AndyN.
Coming Next Month "And so this is Christmas"
Karaoke Info > Karaoke Info Newsletters > Andy Nutter and The Chamber Pot of Secrets :: Chapter Three - Oooh, What a Carry On